Something wicked
by Tristana
Summary: ... this way comes. Or how Yusuf found a new way to troll Ezio. This time with the help of Piri Reis. Creativity is now boundless. Crackfic.


Prompt from Kinkmeme Part 4 (page 24): Piri Reis/Yusuf needs to be a thing. And I need it in my life. I don't care if I get smut or two bomb-lovin' bros trolling Ezio, I need them in the same fic doing things together.

Cue me writing shameless crack. I had to. I just love Yusuf trolling Ezio. And dragging Piri Reis into it.

Summary: Yusuf is a tireless prankster - and he has a new victim: Ezio. This time, he relies on Piri Reis to lend him a hand.

Warning: None. Unless you count the inadequate use of bombs.

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"You are not going to do what I think you are going to do, right?"

"Hey, you know me. What do you think?" Yusuf cast a lazy glance at his friend while tossing one of the impact capsule back and forth in his hands. He had yet to load it, and he wondered what he could do with it. Things had gotten tougher these days and he barely had time to unwind. Not to mention that Ezio was prowling in the den like a caged wild cat. The thought made a grin appear on his face. The Mentor needed something to think about, something that was not Templar-related. Which was why he had come here in the first place.

"You are insane, this is what I think."

"Details, Piri Reis. Though you have to admit, it'd be fun."

The older man looked up from the map he was perusing to assess the assassin with a speculative glance. He had to admit that Yusuf had great ideas indeed. However, this idiot tended to be over-enthusiastic, which often lead him to blow things up. Rather literally too. Last time he had had a hard time explaining to very grumpy janissaries that the bomb that exploded in the middle of the marketplace had nothing to do with him, nor intended to hurt anyone. He had gotten away with it, probably because he was still known for his earlier career, but barely.

"Alright then. What do you propose? Such kind of bomb is not easy to make, the mechanism are rather tricky."

"Precisely, but where would be the fun in that? Please?"

And there went the puppy dog eyes. Piri Reis had to resist the urge to send one of his volume flying at the head of the Master Assassin. And to think the safety of the city was mostly in the hands of that man. In other circumstances, it would have been comical. Though Yusuf was a great leader of men, no doubt. And he was still learning, which was rather refreshing, since most men his age would think they know everything.

"I will do it, but you'll have to train. If it blows in your face, you would look about as stupid as you normally do."

Yusuf's blank look told Piri Reis that his statement was being turned every which way to find double entendre easy to spot. Right before the assassin hunches on his own frame, as though he had received a punch in the guts. "You wound me, my friend. Though I'd be happy to know why you still bear with me, if that's the case."

"Don't you know that a friend is someone who knows you well and still manages to appreciate you?" If Yusuf wanted to play that game of who would be the most deadpan, there he went.

"When then?"

"Come back next Friday. It'll be ready by then." And with these words, Piri Reis set back to work, humming quietly an age-old tune and smiling idly. Thanks deities that Yusuf was around, otherwise he would be bored out of his wits.

The whole week Yusuf had been in a good mood. To the point that he was practically hugging everyone, including Ezio. So much that it was beginning to worry the Master Assassin. And when asked what was the matter with him, Yusuf would but cast him a knowing look and laugh it off. It was really irking Ezio – he knew some mischief was afoot, but it did not make him feel any better. He was living in the expectation of something suddenly blowing in his face, or something equally dangerous. Yusuf having a sense of danger others would qualify as totally off. However, when he tried to know more, asking the other assassins, no one seemed to think any of it, several of them pointing out that it was better to have Yusuf playing pranks than him moping around. A moping Yusuf was dangerous, mostly because he would grow careless – and had blood bomb exploding in the middle of training, scaring the recruits out of their wits. Thus, Ezio was left pondering and waiting. Whatever Yusuf was up to would sure enough come out – the only problem was to know when. Though Ezio would soon wish he had not wished to know.

"It's ready?" Count on Yusuf never to knock. Piri Reis had to resist the urge to send the insufferable pup out of his shop, but again, it was not as though he had not been expecting him.

"It is. Be careful with this though – if you set it off too early, it would not work."

"Alright. Thank you, my friend."

"You are welcome. You will have to tell me how it worked though, so I'll know if I have to make more and draw a map for you to be able to make one on your own." He rarely ever did anything for free but Yusuf's pranks allowed him to experiment, and the artificer in him could only but jump on the occasion.

"Evet."

"So, may I ask you how you would proceed?"

"Just know this: there will be a lot of freaking out, and a lot of relieved yelling."

Piri Reis shook his head. "You really enjoy having him yell at you, don't you?"

"You know how much I hate being ignored."

"Kid."

"Old man."

"Now get out of my shop, mutt."

"Man, you have to be so insulting, right?" Gracing the bomb-maker with a mock bow, Yusuf pranced back to the door – only to be called back.

"Remember, it's ten seconds after you set it off."

"I know right. Despite what you seem to think, I'm not that stupid."

"Believe me, I would rather you not be. Nothing worse than an idiot playing with bombs."

"Why do you then?" Yusuf knew he had crossed the line of Piri Reis' patience from mildly annoyed to murderous and was out of the door before a loud 'OUT!' immediately followed by a muffled explosion was heard. Which earned him a stare from the soldiers stationed in the open space. Making his way as quietly as he could back to Galata, he just had to hope for Ezio to still be where he had left him. Meaning perusing some age-old parchment. A bookworm, that man was. He had not realized he was walking with a spring in his step until an annoyed janissary told him to cut it – before something else was cut. Damn janissaries. No sense of humour whatsoever. Not that he could blame them. The guys were always under pressure – and even if he had no reason to like them, if he had to be honest – which he did not – he would admit that having Assassins getting on their case that often was not pleasant. Though really, if only the bastards were not such asses, it would have been easier. For everyone. However, Yusuf was always thankful the hatred the janissaries had for the Byzantine soldiers so overpowered that for the assassins. Often helped him escaping the guards. Not that he would send them flowers. Or maybe he would. And he would sign with Ezio's name. Keeping this one in a corner of his mind, he ran to the hideout. And nearly toppled one of his apprentice over. And did not stop, only yelling apologies as he rushed through the door – slamming his right shoulder in the door-frame, otherwise it would not be so fun. He stopped only when he saw Ezio – who was not reading but instead talking to other Assassins. He approached them as calmly as he could, absent-mindedly noting that he must look like a child on his birthday.

"Ezio! Good to see you escaped the clutches of the library."

"Sì, I see you are in a cheery mood today again."

"Am I detecting some suspicion in your voice my friend?"

"You tell me." Truth be told, Ezio's senses were screaming at him to run away. And he did not. Instead... "You wanted to talk to me."

"Yes. I have something to show you." Add some innocent smile that would work better with a five-years-old child. He handed a pouch over to Ezio, motioning for him to open it.

"A bomb?"

"Yes. A new one that Piri Reis just finished. Quite useful for stealth. More powerful than the normal ones. And it does not rebound."

"It would not explode right away?"

"Nah. You have to unplug that one bit on the side. Then toss it." With this he took the object from Ezio's hands and began playing with it again. He knew the smile on his face was a dead give-away and he could see some of the older Assassins carefully step backward. Unfortunately for him, Ezio was not so used to Yusuf's bomb-happy habits. "Like this." And with that, he wrung the metal plug from the bomb, and tossed it to Ezio. Who caught it out of reflex. And looked at Yusuf with a frozen expression.

"Ten seconds, Ezio. I believe now it's seven." And there, the bomb was flying back his way. Wait. Whatever had Piri Reis put in it? Could be anything but if it were skunk oil. No way this gets on him. And there it went back to Ezio. Who nearly- was that a squeal? The noise would have made Yusuf scream in laughter had he not been so focused on tossing the bomb back to Ezio, who made to throw it away- Two. Could not finish his move – One.

BLAM!

The explosion was not as bad as he had expected it to be. And from the smell. No, not skunk oil. Looking carefully at the older assassin, Yusuf could feel his eyes grow big as plates. His feet firmly rooted in the ground, right hand extended at the front, frozen in mid-strike. Face expressionless. Yusuf came closer. Took a whiff at Ezio's face – what was – ink? Black, smudgy ink. Like the one imported from China. Made for ruined clothes.

"Yusuf."

Hum, the clothes were not the only ones that were ruined. Swallowing hard, Yusuf sprung backward, not even waiting for Ezio to move. He was so not going to be caught by Ezio. No way.

Ezio had barely enough time to register that Yusuf was fleeing before he heard the door of the den slam shut. But Yusuf was going to pay for it.

In his shop, Piri Reis was listening to Yusuf's breathless tale. "You should have seen his face. Priceless I tell you! Too bad you weren't here. I swear, it had to be the best thing I have done in ages."

"Since that one time you managed to glue the Janissaries' kijils in their sheathes?"

"That one is old."

"And I recall some of them are still hunting you down for that one."

"What can I tell you? The guys can't stand a joke." A loud pounding sound echoed in the shop, along with a rather impressive string of italian curses.

"Not the only ones apparently. Indeed, he runs fast for a man his age."

"Say, friend. Mind if I stay at your place for a bit? I would hate you to have my being mauled to death on your conscience."

"How considerate."

"I know right."

And thus went on the trolling of Ezio Auditore – who never dared mentioning it to Claudia for fear it would give his sister ideas.

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I think I like trolling Ezio way too much for my own good. /shot


End file.
